


Explaining Things Badly: ETB

by AnonymousCheesestick



Category: Christian Bible, Greek Mythology, Holy Bible, Original Work
Genre: Ancient Greece, Bible Stories, Blasphemy, Greek Literature, Multi, The Holy Fucking Bible, i’m really sorry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-04
Updated: 2019-07-01
Packaged: 2019-07-06 20:02:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,333
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15893124
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnonymousCheesestick/pseuds/AnonymousCheesestick
Summary: Welcome to E.T.B. (Explaining Things Badly) a series I’m starting where I explain history, mythology, the Bible, etc really badly. If you want something to be explained, tell me. I’d love it if people made suggestions.





	1. Hyacinthus and Apollo

Okay. Let’s do this.

 

So one day, this deitie named Apollo (the god of many things, but for the sake of this story we’ll just say music) thought to himself “I haven’t gotten laid in a while. Lemme slide into some pretty boy/girl’s dms.” He looked around and after a while he eventually did find a pretty boy named Hyacinthus. Pay attention to the fact that he’s pretty.... because that’s as much as his character description goes. Unfortunately for our boy Apollo, another god by the name of Zephyr The West Wind happened to be trying to put the moves on Hyacinthus as well. 

Once Hya realized that he was currently Greek’s most eligible bachelor, he found a disk and had an bright idea. “Ladies, ladies, you’re both pretty. But since you both want moi, let’s settle this with a game.” Both the gods stopped arguing and listened to the human’s purposal. “Whoever throws this disk the farthest, wins!”

{“What did they do?” You may be asking. Well, they stripped naked and put oil all over their bodies.

“I’ll give you my disk.” Zephry said as he penetra-

(Just kidding. In Ancient Greece, when they did Olympic sports, they stripped naked and put oil on their bodies. I know, it’s weird. But these are ancient times so don’t judge.)}

Anyways, because of the fact that Zephry was literally the god of the wind, he won the disk throwing challenge by a long shot. Now, nowhere is it clearly stated why, but for some reason pretty-boy-Hyacinthus chose Apollo anyways. Which is weird because he went against the rules of his own game. Maybe it’s symbolism for how humanity will always root for the underdog because we see ourselves in them. Maybe it’s because Zephry had a small di

So Hyacinthus and Apollo are going on dates, sharing food, being grossly cute, all that teenage love buzz while Zephry is just stirring in his own jealousy. And then one day, he goes all Yandere and decides that if can’t love Hya, no one can.

Later on that day, Apollo is demonstrating how he lost the previous disk throwing game and won him over with his uncomfortable lack of ability. Hyacinthus was trying out this new “trick” that Apollo has just shown him, when Zephry accidentally shifts the wind and forces the disk into the side of poor Hya’s head.

...What? Oh sorry did I say accidentally? I meant to say that he totally did it on purpose. If that’s not a home wreaker than I don’t know what is. 

As Hyacinthus is dying he says a pun a long the lines of: “Z-Zephry can go suck a disssskaaah.” And those were his final words.

 

True story.

 

 

Anyways, as Apollo is balling his eyes out like a little bitch he turned Hyacinthus’ body into a rose. You’d think that this is a story about how Hyacinth were made, but no, it’s the story of the very first Yandere. Some say that Apollo wrote poetry on the petals, other say that he wrote Hyacinthus’ name over and over again. And they’re right but because of the fact that I’m the shitty person I’m gonna conclude this by saying: Apollo wrote “Suck a Disk, Zephry!” On every. Last. Petal.

 

 

The End


	2. Pandora’s Box

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I was supposed to do this like two months ago but fuck the system right? Anyways, in this chapter we’ll be covering the Pandora’s Box story. I’m sure you’ve already heard it but that’s okay, I’m gonna say it again because I want to.

Pandora’s box is one of my favorite Greek myths but unfortunately most variations of it make her out to be this ditzy idiot who was mankind’s downfall. I mean, technically she was the cause of mankind’s downfall but she did it intentionally because she was a badass bitch created for that very reason. 

We start our story out with Zeus getting pretty pissed off with this one God named Premi… Prime... Prometheus because he tricked him. Prometheus was like “Hey Zeus, I have two plates of food for ya. This one is delicious cow fat wrapped around the finest bone. The other one is pig liver. I cannot stress enough that you need to think carefully before y-”

And then Zeus cut him off and said “I want the cow fat.” So then Prometheus had to stop himself from laughing as Zeus’ face turned up in disgust as he ate horrible tasting meat. 

{“Hey Chezz. Why did Prometheus trick Zeus into eating the meat? What’s the point?” I hear you asking. And if you shut up and listen to the story then you’d get the answer you’re looking for.}

So Prometheus has this love for humanity unlike any other god at the time (that’s an exaggeration) and he thought it was unfair that the humans had to burn their finest meats for Zeus. So the cow fat was actually a secret agreement to leave the humans alone about it. The liver was a pile of gold or something. So when Zeus found out that not only he had eaten shitty meat, he also signed an agreement so there will be no more meat sacrifices made towards him. So Zeus was like “Aww hell naw. Y’all fucker think y’all just gonna get away with the stunt you just pulled?” And he took away their fire privileges.

So then Prometheus felt bad for getting their fire taken away and he snuck up to olympus to get the fire back for them. 

Zeus 

Was

Livid.

“Obviously, you’re the real problem here. You foreally just ‘bout to sit there and undermine me? You-You just want me to kill you huh?” Zeus said as he tied Prometheus up kinky style to a bolder. It wouldn’t be too bad…. if it weren’t for the fact that every night an eagle came and ate Promies’ fucking liver. Sure he’s immortal, and he just grows a new one by dawn… it still doesn’t excuse the fact that his liver is being eaten. After Promies was set up for life, Zeus decided that it was time to punish humanity as well. 

So Zeus and a couple of other God’s got together and were like “So how do we a man that’s just the absolute worst? Men are already pretty great so how do we make the complete opposite?” 

And then some random god…. we’ll say Posiden because why the hell not was like “There is one thing worse that a man.” And then he wrote ‘wo’ in front of man and then he said “boom”

Athene was like “A wo!”

“No! A woman” 

So then the made Pandora. 

Now Pandora was drop. dead. gorgeous. And like really hot. Other than her appearance she was really smart, clever, deceitful. You know… all the things that men aren’t apparently. So after the gods created the beautiful smart version of Frankenstein’s Monster, they sent her down to earth to fuck up everything. Now... I know you’re gonna be disappointed in me when I tell you I forgot the dude’s name but he was Prometheus’ brother uh..... Epimetheus. Totally didn’t search that up while making this. Anyways, my boi   
Epi-pen fell in love with Pandora and was like: “You are my Sun and Moon! Live with me darling and we’ll be happy forever!”

It sucks that Epi-pen was so stupid because Prometheus had warned him multiple times not to listen Zeus and Zues had all but handed Pandora to him and Epi-pen just accepts it. He might as well had said: “Dur Dur Dur she’s pretty and you’re giving her to me Zeus, guy who’ never honest with anyone. Thank you for this gift.” 

AND THEN ON TOP OF THAT!!! Zeus gives the idiot a “wedding gift” and tells him to not only give it to Pandora but to never open it himself. THATS MORE SUSPICIOUS THAN R-KELLY GOING TO A GIRLSCOUTS MEETING! But mcfucking Epi-pen just accepts it, no questions asked.

Of course, Pandora gets the box and Epimethus tells her never to open it, and then he leaves. Once her husband left, Pandora cracked open that box like it Cheez-its and she just got done smoking a fat blunt. That’s when all of the bad things came out like disease and.... fucking homophobic people I don’t know okay? I just know it was bad. Anywho, everything terrible that we face nowadays was because Pandora opened her box, and then she closed it before anything else came out. That’s when a small voice was like “Aye! Panda Express! You left me in here.”

And Pandora says:” Panda Express? You must be the worst of them all huh?” And then she opened the box again and hope hopped out. This never made sense to me. I mean, I know it’s supposed to signify that no matter the things may have and will face, we’ll always have hope. But the way that the point is executed is so.. off to me. Like couldn’t they have done it a different way? Ohhh... what if the story was like 99.99% the same way except after Pandora opens the box she feels really bad and so she goes outside and gives people hope. That makes the story run much smoother because that shows that she is part of humanity now, and she feels the same for her fellow humans as they do for each other and instead of hurting them she wants to help them. But then again, this is Ancient Greece literature and stories didn’t always play out how we would have them nowadays. If they did, we wouldn’t have the story of that one moon goddess falling in love with a handsome sleeping boy and Zeus puts him in an eternal slumber and the moon goddess proceeds to have 439 children with. 

 

Thank Greece.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You read another chapter... why? Not that I’m complaining but... why?


	3. Light vs Dark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This time, we'll drop jokes and get a little bit more physiological. We'll discuss the dynamics between dark vs light and I'll give you a little bit of writing advice.

Whew! I got this request a long time ago, but I never worked on it till now. I wasn’t really feeling it at first, so I didn’t want to work on something that I would only half-ass. But one day I decided to search some things up and I was very interested in what I saw. So now I’m back like… five months later and I’m ready to give it my all! 

So, the origin of the light versus dark dynamic is what we’ll be talking about today. You may be thinking to yourself “well, I already know about light vs dark. It’s the same as good vs evil” Which would be true to an extent but not to the extent that we want.

There are lots of different interpretations of light vs dark, like in Christianity, the first words of the Bible describe how the world was nothing but complete and utter darkness, then God said: “Let there be light!” And there was light. When I was younger, I always thought of it as God just flipping on a light switch in a room but thinking about it now, that whole thing has more significance. It’s supposed to be “God saved us from the darkness and brought us light” and/or “God controls all things and makes all things. He gave us light in a world that was void of any.” Which is cool and all, but I think that’s so easy. Christianity takes the easy rode in explaining things. Everything is always so black and white, and if you can’t explain something “God has a reason.” I personally believe that there is a reason for everything but that has nothing to do with my belief in a god or not. But, from religion to mythology, darkness vs light is supposed to be symbolism for, in a broad statement, good vs bad

There’s no story that I could find in pagan mythology that specifically talked about darkness vs light (if I find one I’ll definitely make a part two of this) but the idea is still there within the other stories. Think of the dynamic this way:

You can’t see. Blackness surounds you in an icy loneliness. The area of which you reside in is unfamiliar, like a forest with no trees to hold onto you, don’t understand and there’s nothing there for you to understand. All you can do is hope. Hope that you can see, hope that you won't hurt yourself, hope that you’re not alone. Suddenly, such a bright and powerful light liberates you from your helplessness. You can walk confidently now that you see a path, and the light warms you in a way that makes you feel safe, makes you feel as if something greater than you or I is there.

You see? It’s a security in something that’s there, but not physical. That why a personification of literal light/the lack thereof as good vs evil, whatever those two forces may be, is always made. It’s easier to explain a sense of safety in the arms of a gorgeous hero/heroine than to explain it as something interpreted by the victim. But why is such a contrast between two opposite always used? It’s because every human alive on this planet know the feeling. We are all the victims, or the main characters, to our own story, so to make the protagonist experience, or be the essence of the dynamic is truly “hashtag relatable.”

Do people still say that or is that joke late? Who cares.

Light and dark are supposed to showcase a world, where light, as a concept, as a figure, as a god, is the simple solution to the problem; darkness, as a concept, as a figure, as a god.

It’s too easy though, to give the good guy and the bad guy such a one-dimensional personality. This dynamic is best used as a… guideline. Like a sketch, when you do the serious, bold and confident lines, you go off of the sketch, you don’t do the exact thing. Think of it this way, break out of the box of “light vs dark,” and make a bridge to “grey vs grey.” Life has no simple solutions like this trope, this utter cliche would leave you to believe. Blunty? The world is, will, and has always been a depressing grey.

Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This actually didn't come out how I wanted. I wanted to make a compare between Christianity and Pagan mythology but I ended up talking about just the trope itself. I hope you enjoyed.

**Author's Note:**

> If you’ve made it this far, kudos to you. I really don’t know why you decided to read this but ya did. And maybe, just maybe, I learned you a new thing


End file.
